


I Lick My Lips of the Remains, My Mouth is Full of Dirt

by HockeyShit



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec just happens to be a hockey player, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, I highly recomend you listen to Bonnie Parker's Jason while reading this, Interalized Homophobia, M/M, NOT A CHECK PLEASE AU, bc that's the only sport i know anything about, i can not stress how much this has nothing to do with Check Please, other than Baseball but thats the end of the year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22595605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HockeyShit/pseuds/HockeyShit
Summary: Sixth year Super Senior Magnus Bane has finally decided this would be his last year of university, for some reason he thought this was a good time to get emotionally tangled with a Freshman on the varsity hockey team. Magnus has steered clear of male athletes for six years for the very reason that keeps Alec terrified of ever being seen with Magnus.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Jason" by Bonnie Parker which again I highly recommend you listen to while you read this.

Magnus had spent six years at this school. In those six years he had experienced almost everything the school had to offer from horrible dining hall pizza to a Latin class at eight am, parties thrown by every group on campus, and sex in the rare book room of the library. He had not thought that he would ever check this particular experience off the list of things he hadn’t done. By now there was a reason for everything he’d not done. But then, that was who Alec was, the boy who got Magnus to spend an evening in the student section of the school’s ice hockey arena. 

“You really want me to come to this game?” Magnus had Alec tucked up against his chest, they had put their boxers back on but Magnus had convinced Alec to come back to his bed after that, convinced Alec that just this once he should stay, just a little longer. 

“We’re playing UND.” Alec said as if that meant anything to Magnus, maybe it should, but Magnus hadn’t ever paid attention to the school’s athletics. In fact, one of the lessons he’d learned in life was to stay away from athletes, they tended not to like men like him. 

“Right, and we hate this grouping of letters because-” Magnus trailed off but smiled as he watched Alec huff against his chest. There was a smile there too, so Magnus knew he hadn’t said anything unforgivable. 

“This is what your third? fourth senior year? How do you not know even  _ know _ our biggest hockey rival?” Magnus shrugged, smiling still. 

“My third I’ll have you know.” Magnus grinned, he liked when Alec teased him, “You want me to come to this game because it’s against your biggest rival?” 

“ _ Our _ biggest rival.” Alec amended, looking up at Magnus with those piercing blue eyes that Magnus didn’t think he’d ever say no to. "You go here too." 

“I don’t have anything to wear.” He said instead. Alec smiled just a little shyly leaning over the edge of the bed. When he pulled himself back on the bed he sat grinning and held a piece of ugly maroon and yellow fabric out to Magnus. 

“Your hoodie?” Magnus said holding it by the shoulders. 

“You can even do your eyeshadow with the colors I know some of the guys girlfriends do, they paint their faces sometimes and this is a  _ big _ game.” 

Magnus would  _ not _ be doing his makeup in those hideous colors, he hated the idea of even wearing them, but then Alec had never handed Magnus any of his clothes with the expectation that he ought to wear them. 

“Could we see each other, afterwards?” Magnus asked folding the hoodie up and putting it in his lap trying to pretend like he didn’t care too much about the answer, he would go, no matter what Alec’s answer was he knew that already. 

“Well- I have to go to the party afterwards, even if we don’t win  _ wich we will _ they’ll be a party, Jace says it’s good for the upperclassmen to see us at parties, but I always leave early, I could try leaving even earlier than usual?”

Magnus tried not to sigh, it was the answer he had expected. Magnus had been to his share of parties, had even been to parties thrown by the hockey teams — both mens and womens he was an equal opportunity party goer-- but Alec had never invited him to one since they’d started seeing each other. 

“I’ll be there, cheering you on.” Magnus thought it was what Alec wanted to hear, he felt his heart stutter and break when he saw fear on Alec’s face. 

“And the rest of the team.” Alec said quietly, he had that look, the one that Magnus knew meant he was going to leave, he had gotten stuck in his head, he was worried the team was going to find out. 

“And the rest of the team.” Magnus assured Alec, leaning forward to give him a soft kiss. 

So here he was, cheering for a team he didn’t care about, to keep a promise no one would know he broke, because a sweet sophomore had stunning cheek bones, striking eyes, and beautiful hair he didn’t take near good enough care of. It was cold, though not as cold as he thought a room in which the main attraction was a giant piece of ice would be. He knew Alec’s number was 90, in part bc Alec had told him in a text before he’d disappeared from the face of the earth the way he always did before a hockey game. But mostly Magnus knew this because all of Alec’s athletic wear seamed branded with the number. It was everywhere, it was on his  _ backpack _ as if Alec might forget who he was. 

Alec was one of the taller players on the ice, on either side, Magnus wondered if that made a difference. Jace wasn’t particularly tall, and yet he seemed to zip around the ice better than anyone else. Neither Jace nor Alec were particularly  _ big _ it seemed to Magnus as he compared the only two players he knew to the other team. All the green players seemed to be twice as wide as Alec, and nearly that much bigger than Jace. They also, Magnus noticed eventually, were much slower. Not just slower than Jace, though it seemed everyone was slower than Jace, but slower than  _ everyone _ on Alec’s team. 

Alec had once described, in painstaking detail, how the game was supposed to go. He’d thought he listened attentively and that surely he knew every rule there was to know. Watching the game seemed he only remembered two things, Jace and Alec were a defensive pair, and fighting was very very against the rules. Which was why Magnus was so surprised, to see Alec barreling towards one of the largest green players, his gloves off fist raised to punch. 

It was absolutely absurd, Magnus thought later, that his first thought seeing his not quite boyfriend ready to get into a fight with a man who probably weighed twice as much as him, was there didn’t seem any good place to punch him. His face was behind a metal cage, the rest of him behind hard plastic armor. His second, more logical thought, was that Alec was going to lose the fight. 

Magnus was not an expert on helmets, though perhaps he should have been majoring in apparel design, but he did not think they should come off as easily as Alec and the other player’s did. The helmets laid on the ice as Alec and the other player swung at each other until the referees came to stop the fight. Both Alec and the other player were escorted off the ice, they would not play the rest of the game. Magnus sat down in his seat, something that seemed taboo surrounded by the other students, and wondered if he was obligated to stay. He thought of leaving, he really didn’t care about the game now, but he thought about the look of fear on Alec’s face when Magnus had suggested he’d only cheer for Alec kept his ass glued to his seat. No one would notice Magnus left when Alec was kicked out of the game, but that was not the point, there was no reason to worry Alec more than necessary. 

Magnus was asleep when there was a pounding on the door to his apartment. He’d fallen asleep on the couch, Alec’s hoodie used as a pillow. He remembered, as he stood up to see who could possibly want entrance to his apartment at -- he checked the clock in the kitchen-- three am, taking it off dejected. He’d fallen asleep on the couch waiting for Alec, even when it had become clear that Alec wasn’t going to come he’d waited. Alec had stood Magnus up more than once, usually he sent a text telling him what was happening. 

“Magnus!” Alec yelled when Magnus opened the door, he threw his arms around Magnus’s neck and kissed him in the doorway. At first Magnus felt relieved, wrapping his arms around Alec’s waist, then he tasted the alcohol on Alec’s tongue. 

“You’re drunk.” Magnus said pulling away, putting a whole two feet between them.

“I wanted to come,” Alec said beaming at Magnus “I wanted to come, but the team kept giving me drinks, said I should celebrate!” 

Magnus wracked his brain for what Alec had done during the game to cause such celebration, they  _ had _ won, and it was an important game. Alec interrupted his thoughts. 

“You saw it right?” Alec was still standing in Magnus’s doorway, he’d never stood there for nearly that long, always hurrying into Magnus’s apartment as if worried someone would see him coming and going. 

“I said I’d go to the game.” Magnus pulled Alec into the apartment, unfortunately Alec thought Magnus had wanted to kiss him. It took more to get space between the two of them this time, Magnus had to physically push Alec back before he got the hint. Maybe he should send the boy home. 

“My  _ fight _ did you see it?” Alec asked again rocking back on his heels so far Magnus was worried he would fall backwards. 

“I did, I also recall that fighting is against the rules.” Magnus wasn’t sure why, after what had happened so, he thought he was going to have a real conversation with Alec about this. 

“You’re not wearing my hoodie.” Alec said frowning, Magnus rolled his eyes, taking Alec’s hand and, turning away from him, lead him further into the apartment, to his bedroom. 

“I was using it as a pillow while I waited for you.” Magnus said, sitting Alec on the edge of his bed, “lay down, you need sleep, I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.” 

Thankfully Alec did as he was told, Magnus wanted more than anything to lay down on the other side of the bed, to sleep in the same bed just once, instead, he took the blanket from the end of the bed, and the extra pillow and went back out to the couch. 

Magnus was woken up way to early on a Saturday to an angry shout of “FUCK” ringing through his apartment. It seemed he was not the only one startled awake, as his cat came running through the apartment, to curl up on Magnus’s chest. Not long after an angry looking Alec came down the hall. 

“Why am I here?” Alec’s hair was a mess, and he looked like shit, it would be endearing if only he didn’t look so angry at Magnus. 

“You showed up on my doorstep drunk, at three am.” Magnus said, suddenly he was exhausted beyond just a lack of sleep. He didn’t mind sneaking around, he hated it, but he didn’t mind Alec was entitled to his secrets. But this, the paranoia, was wearing Magnus down. He really liked Alec, but he wasn’t sure if this was good for  _ him _ . 

“And so you had me spend the night?” Alec’s voice full of acquisition. He was, Magnus had to remind himself, only nineteen. And maybe that was the problem, not that Alec was an athlete and Magnus was a very out, very proud queer, but that Alec was a teenager and Magnus twenty five. 

“I couldn’t call any of your friends even  _ if _ you had so much as let me in the same room as them. I couldn’t just send you back out to wander around hoping you’d make it back to your room and I certainly couldn’t walk you home. So what should I have done?” Alec didn’t give Magnus an offer, he just stomped back to Magnus’s room, he came back not much later in his clothes glaring at Magnus as he made it to the living room. 

“I’m going, I need to go pretend I spent the night with some girl. They better believe I don’t kiss and tell.” He said as if this was Magnus’s fault at all. 

“You  _ don’t _ kiss and tell.” Magnus said to the door of his apartment after it slammed shut. 

Magnus didn’t hear from Alec after that, his few texts had gone unanswered so Magnus stopped sending them. He’d gotten the message loud and clear. It was for the best really, Alec had three more years after this, and Magnus was finally graduating, he had a job in New York, he was going to put Alec behind him. 

Then, one rainy day, there was a knock on his door, Magnus set down his pen fully prepared to tell Catarina he was perfectly okay, that he had never even been dating the hockey player and the sudden not-breakup had nothing to do with why Magnus had locked himself in his apartment with his course work. Instead when he opened the door he found Alec, hair weighed down by the rain, the blue of his eyes seemed to pop against the grey tones of the world behind Mangus’s apartment. 

“I miss you.” Alec said, not pushing into Magnus’s apartment like usual, this time though he wasn’t drunk, it was like he had been practicing that phrase and said as soon as he could so he didn’t forget it. Magnus sighed and stepped to the side letting Alec into the apartment. 

“If we’re having this conversation,” Mangus said going to the kitchen but waving at the living room “I’m making tea, do you want something dry to change into?” 

Alec looked like he wanted to be anywhere else. Instead he just took a seat on the couch, wet tshirt and all. Magnus wondered why he didn’t have a jacket, it was  _ cold _ spring beginning to break but that only brought rain instead of snow. 

“Right-” he turned on his kettle letting Alec sit in the living room, he wasn’t sure what else Alec had planned, and Magnus wasn’t sure what he might say. He did not want to keep things going on like they had been. He couldn’t do that anymore. 

When the tea was done he brought it out ot Alec who looked happy enough to have something to do with his hands. He didn’t look up at Magnus, instead it seemed his cup of tea was the most interesting thing in the world. 

“So, you miss me?” Magnus asked, he liked the sound of it, he missed Alec as well but he wasn’t going to say it, he wanted to know what Alec was thinking first. 

“Yeah, I really like you.” Magnus had to try not to scoff, try not to tell Alec he had a funny way of showing it. What he did say wasn’t much better. 

“The last time we spoke you were angry at me, for something I had very little control over.” he tried to keep his voice level. 

“I was scared.” Alec said his voice hardening “I  _ am _ scared.” Magnus nodded, he understood that, understood the danger Alec would be put in if his team found out. There was a reason Magnus had stayed away from male athletes his whole life. 

“I understand, you didn’t have to take it out on someone who understands, who cares about you.” 

Alec nodded but he didn’t say anything, so Magnus let them sit there in the quiet. He could tell Alec had come with a purpose, and while Magnus wanted to fight for them, for whatever they had and what it could be. He didn’t know if Alec had come to tell him it simply wasn’t possible. 

“I’m sorry about that, about the way I treated you that day. I care about you too.” Alec finally said after draining his tea like he was dying of thirst. Magnus thought for a moment about going to get Alec more. He realized he’d not taken a single drink and instead handed his cup to Alec. The boy looked grateful and took a more civilized sip. 

“I don’t know how to do this.” Alec said finally looking to meet Magnus’s eyes. “You say you understand but I can’t let the team even think that I might be-” 

He couldn't even say it, Magnus realized, as if saying it here, where Magnus was the only one to hear it, would possibly get back to his team. 

“I  _ do _ understand, my step father was hardly accepting.” Magnus said and Alec just shrugged as if he hadn’t really heard. 

“I like you though but I don’t know if that matters.” Alec set his mug on the coffee table and stood up. “I guess, that’s all, I just wanted to tell you I miss you, and I really like you but it doesn’t matter.” 

Magnus watched as Alec walked to the door with his hands in his pocket. He wanted to tell Alec it  _ did _ matter, that he was going to New York, it would be so much easier to hide it and then after two years Alec wouldn’t be on a hockey team anymore, besides there ware  _ gay _ hockey teams in New York Alec could join. He stood up following Alec to the doorway.

“Kiss me? One last time?” Magnus asked instead. He wanted to remember this sweet boy, the one who cared about his team, his brother and sister. The boy who studied with his pen tucked behind his ear chewing on his lip. The boy who would lay himself out on Magnus's floor when invited over to study and then _actually_ study. He wanted to remember the funny guarded boy. If Alec was going to walk away, Magnus would have one last part of him.

Alec looked up almost shyly, as shy as he had looked at their very first kiss, and nodded. It was one of the best kisses they’d shared, unfortunately that also made it one of the saddest kisses Magnus had ever had. He stood in the doorway watching as Alec walked away, the rain had picked up and gave Magnus an excuse to cry as Alec turned down the road back to campus. 


	2. Chapter 2

“I thought you were against these colors together no matter how much money you spent on that school.” Catarina said holding an old faded hoodie up. She had been helping him dress for the gala tonight, though  _ help _ was a very loose definition of what she had been doing. Mostly she was just making fun of Magnus. 

“I figured I ought to own at least  _ one _ hoddie, I did spend six years there after all.” Magnus said, it had taken years to get over the lump that threatened to form in his throat when he saw the hoodie, always wondering why he didn’t just get rid of it. 

Catarina rolled her eyes, she didn’t believe him but she didn’t push either. The Gala was for the benefit of the hospital she was trying to build, and he’d threatened to not come at all leaving her to deal with New York's richest socialites and donors. He figured that had more to do with why she didn’t push than anything else. 

They left  _ right on time _ though Catarina argued they were late, and Magnus let himself fall into the act that events like this required. He smiled at all the right people, said all the right things. There were speeches, made, some publicity stunts, one of the hockey teams was here helping raise money. Mangus rolled his eyes just his luck he had to sit around and listen to hockey players talk about how much they loved homeless children. He wanted to glare at Catarina but he supposed it  _ was _ for a good cause.  _ They _ had gotten to show up in their jerseys and dress pants, Magnus wondered briefly how he could tailor a look like that for himself. 

He only wondered briefly because then, stepping up to the microphone was a man he’d thought he would never see again. But there was no mistaking those sharp cheekbones, the bright blue eyes, and jet black hair. On his arms Magnus could make out the number 90, and Magnus was thrown back to the last time he’d seen Alec in a jersey, he didn’t hear anything the man said. He  _ was _ a man now, the boyish charm that had helped Magnus notice Alec was gone, in his place stood a well muscled man. 

He was stuck in memories long after speeches were done being made, long enough that he didn’t realize Catarina had left him to fend for himself. He was so stuck in the memories that he didn’t realize someone had walked towards him. 

“Magnus?” It had been six years, but he would know that voice anywhere. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.” 

“Alec, I didn’t realize you were in New York at all.” He smiled, he was still taller than Alec despite all the muscle weight the man had put on. “I also didn’t realize you insisted on playing for teams with horrifying color schemes.” 

Alec grinned at that, looking down at the jersey as if he couldn’t quite believe it himself. 

“I didn’t have much of a choice on this one.” He said and Magnus remembered, as if looking through a very dirty window, something about a draft, how professional hockey players were put on teams because the teams wanted them. 

“We’ll they’re lucky you can pull it off.” Alec blushed and Magnus smiled waiting for Alec to turn, tell him they couldn’t be seen in public together, not now, because now more than ever there was reason for Alec to be cautious. 

“How have you been?” Alec asked, settling into the chair next to Magnus, he was going to stay for a conversation then, Magnus would take what he could get. 

They spent all night talking, catching up. It was Alec’s first year in the National Hockey league having spent the years between college and now in Bridgeport playing for the development team. They were interrupted periodically by fans wanting Alec’s autograph, or a picture. Magnus couldn’t help but grin every time Alec would introduce Magnus “This is Magnus he was a friend in college, he can take our picture.” Alec had never introduced him to anyone before.

Magnus tensed when one of Alec’s teammates came over, a short but stocky man with out of control blond curls. Alec grinned and did some sort of handshake Magnus didn’t try to follow before turning back to Magnus. 

“Magnus, this is Byrant my D-partner we came up from Bridgeport together. Byrant this Magnus, a friend from college.” Magnus held his hand out, the shorter man took it, and then, with a yank Magnus wasn’t expecting, pulled Magnus into a one armed hug, slapping Magnus on the back twice before pulling back and doing something Magnus didn’t follow with his hand before dropping Magnus’s hand. It was just one more reason to stay away from athletes. 

Byrant’s appearance was apparently just to tell Alec most of the team was heading out, he didn’t have to stay any longer, and they had practice in the morning so he ought not stay out too late. Magnus watched Byrant leave, and then watched as Alec scrubbed a hand through his hair, hair he still wasn’t taking near good enough care of. A true crime against humanity. 

“It was nice to see you.” Magnus said at the same time Alec said, 

“I can give you my number we should go out to dinner.” 

Magnus had to take a full step back at that, he blinked a few times, and took long enough to say anything that he could tell Alec wanted to take back what he had said. 

“Dinner like-” 

Alec looked around before taking a deep breath. “Dinner, like a date.” 

Magnus knew he must look shocked, he  _ was _ shocked. “Last time we spoke you coudln’t,” Magnus lowered his voice looking around the same way Alec had “you couldn’t even say you were gay much less-” he trailed off but Alec just shurgged. 

“Someone has to be the first out hockey player, i’m not the only gay player on the team, and- and going on a date with you won’t out me, but-” Alec took a deep breath again, looking in to Magnus’s eyes, “but sometimes I think about that day, it was  _ six _ years ago so much has changed, but I can’t help but think I fucked up.” 

Magnus smiled and nodded. “I would love to go on a date with you Alec.” the grin that stretched across Alec’s face lit a fire in Magnus’s heart he thought had died when Alec walked out of his apartment six years ago. 


End file.
